things that should stop before they ruin everything

• U2
• Brett Favre
• the Rolling Stones
• Banana Extinction
• Glenn Beck
• Anime
• Angelina Jolie
• Godwin’s Law
• the Saw series
• Competitive underground beetle fighting

selections from a list of problems that I have

1. Debt
8. A diminishing bank account
15. A sore throat
29. The sound on this DVD, which is alternatingly quiet and deafening
31. A recently discovered affinity for Slim Jims
32. The ensuing likelyhood of eventual obesity
46. A reluctance to follow through on personal projects
68. The moral conflict that derives from being an idealistic proletarian raised in a white middle-class American household
82. The inability to do anything as well as I’d like to
99. An embarrassing amount of Matchbox 20 MP3s

sub-list:

selections from a list of problems that I do not have

1. Life-threatening wounds
2. Impending starvation
3. Terminal diseases
18. Too much money
28. A bitch

reasons I may be 80 (a two-list spectacular)

Likes:

1. Jimmy Stewart
2. Circus Peanuts
3. Black Licorice
4. Prunes

Dislikes:

1. Kids these days
   1. Bad attitudes
   2. Jeans
      1. Baggy
      2. Tight
      3. Low-Slung
   3. The FaceSpace
   4. Hair-dos
2. Putting up with your shenanigans

things I have mistakenly thought were over

1. the Red Hot Chili Peppers
2. the Matrix aesthetic
3. Guys who gel their hair up in the front
4. The misuse of the word “literally”
5. The debate on evolution
6. The debate on global warming
7. Drum ‘n Bass
8. AI, three times before it actually was
9. The Red Scare

Girls who can shred better than you. (Sub-list: Things hotter than a girl who can totally shred.)

1) Carrie Brownstein

2) Marnie Stern

reasons why we can’t be friends, and i’m sorry

1. I have the creeping suspicion that you wear adult diapers.
2. Eventually you would discover the secret I keep and it would destroy us both.
3. Your facial hair constantly reminds me that you cannot grow facial hair.
4. I have come to associate the smell of your perfume with the holocaust.
5. The party at my house two weeks ago, when you blacked out.
6. They’ll come after you as soon as they find out.
7. Looking at you gives me the overwhelming need to wash my hands.
8. Because of the internet.
9. Because of Bristol Palin.
10. Because of pending lawsuits.

things I can do with my hands

1. play guitar
2. imitate the sound of a helicopter to my own satisfaction and others’ annoyance
3. crack all sorts of knuckles
4. pretend I broke my thumb
5. do that thing that Spock does
6. stroke an imaginary beard
7. count to 31 in binary
8. hurt my knuckles attempting to crack them
9. smoosh things, if they’re soft enough

pushups

1.

2.

3.

      4.

 

 

 

 

5.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

…10.

Places I would like to visit

1. Filene’s attic

Things you can do in Grad School that you can’t do in the Real World

1.) submit your work by a deadline and get it sent back with a typed smiley face and a gentle nudge to re-edit and re-submit

2.) sleep until 9:30am and do what you wish after 2:00pm

3.) have wednesdays off

4.) speak your opinion freely and even receive praise and encouragement

5.) feel like an equal among your colleagues:  everyone’s title is “Student”

6.) feel like an end goal is in sight within a short amount of time – end of a paper, a course, a semester, a degree program

7.) spend hours on a weekday laughing with your peers (before happy hour)

8.) not stare at a computer for 8 hours straight

9.) change your seat or work space multiple times a day, a week – each with a view other than the same cube, desk, wall, or windowless space

10.) have a five week break in Dec./Jan.