Girls who can shred better than you. (Sub-list: Things hotter than a girl who can totally shred.)

1) Carrie Brownstein

2) Marnie Stern

reasons why we can’t be friends, and i’m sorry

1. I have the creeping suspicion that you wear adult diapers.
2. Eventually you would discover the secret I keep and it would destroy us both.
3. Your facial hair constantly reminds me that you cannot grow facial hair.
4. I have come to associate the smell of your perfume with the holocaust.
5. The party at my house two weeks ago, when you blacked out.
6. They’ll come after you as soon as they find out.
7. Looking at you gives me the overwhelming need to wash my hands.
8. Because of the internet.
9. Because of Bristol Palin.
10. Because of pending lawsuits.